The Other sides

Solipsism dictates that the only existence we can really be sure of is our own. Perhaps its true that things only exist when we are looking at them, and as soon as we look away, they seize to exist for a moment.

Perhaps I looked away too long and the most important thing to ever exist in my life simply seized to exist completely.

Maybe I’m crazy, schizophrenic even, or maybe nothing is actually real and our minds simply fills in the gaps.

Its possible its just my mind filling in all the gaps, I could be the only one in existence and everyone and everything else simply a pigment of my imagination, my minds way of coping with such a reality of compensating for the apocalyptic destruction of everything else.

This is all so crazy, believe me I know, but I’ve had to go to the extremes to make sense of this, although I feel I may never be able to .

For most of my life. I’ve been pretty much been the regular. If a regular Joe is a loner with a big dream, an introvert who avoid people because they have nothing to offer and their conversations sounds like a donkey’s fart, then welcome to my world.

Human connections have always been a luxury to me, I fell in love once at high school while I was fifteen and have lived the rest of my left until now with my eyes on the road.

Of course I’ve had relationships, but I have always left the doors open, just so I can the return to the road before their feelings get hurt, I don’t know why anyone will love me, but someone they always do. I can’t love back, I have little or no emotions to feel love.

I enjoy life the little way that I know how, occasionally I would go on a road trip, just take buses from place to while, sitting by the window and in a flash try to imagine the lives of the people I see from out the window. Its sad, but quite fun, you’ll need a little bit of imagination to pull it off.

This was the case a month ago, there I was in a window, half high was the weed I smoked an hour ago before boarding the bus, staring out the window while playing my usual game of imagining peoples lives. Except this time I wasn’t doing so well, I was distracted, like something inside the bus was calling me.

I turned my face to the left of me, and there she was. She was smiling at me,
She had one of those eyes you only see in movies or a model magazine. She looked completely polished, like a professional artist had worked her face over. And she was smiling at me.

I’m a decent looking guy, but even I didn’t think I deserved this one. I had the chills all over and goose bumps pumping all through my skin. I turned my head a couple times more and each time her gaze was still fixed on me, with a pleasant smile on her face.

I’d get suspicious of her intentions, whether she is some spy sent out to get me or something like that if only I was someone special like some intelligent scientist working on some sort of covert weapons technology for the government, but then I wish I were. All I do is build websites and write short stories.

I think she guessed I was getting too shy to continue our routine of crossing gazes, so she made her move, or perhaps she made my move for me. From my peripheral, I could see her stand from her seat, crossed the inter passage and sat in the empty seat besides mine.

I slowly turned my face her and her smile turned into a chuckle, I chuckled as well, not that I knew what else I could have done, she was way out of my league.

“I think you have something to say to me” — she said..
“Something like what?” — I replied..
“I’m not sure, that's why came close, I wouldn’t have heard you from over there” — she said.

I knew I have been given a golden chance here, and I’ll completely hate myself if I blew it, so I did the natural thing.

“My name is Sam, and I’m not going anywhere exactly, just riding the bus. “
“This is my little version of a road trip, what about you? “ — I said in an attempt to break the ice and ease the enormous tension on me.

“That's really nice, I knew you were the type to enjoy the little things”

“Well I could say that I’m doing the exact same thing, except that I’m looking for a feeling” — she said, while she threw her hair back, put her elbow over the headrest and faced me completely like I was about to tell her a story I promised.

“And what feeling would that be” — I asked.

It was a little strange for me, never heard anyone looking for a feeling before.
She continued… “You know how somethings you feel a kind if breeze that seems to blow memories from you childhood at you? Or perhaps it more correct to say feelings from your childhood.”

“Feeling from a time when you had no worries, a time when you looked at the world in plain wonder and amazement. I time when the world around you was just beautiful and colorful, before the bills and the jobs and goals you have not met yet”

“ As a kid, I would just look up at the blue skies and the shear contrast between it and the thick white clouds hovering under it was just pure beauty. I would watch the hawks fly so far up in the skies and try to imagine time flying into the clouds, or perhaps above them.”

“I would take a valley path home and walk as slowly as possible, with each breath and each step I would take in the rich beauty of the trees in the valley in their varying shades of green. At the same time, I would keep my eyes on the horizon, sunsets were always so beautiful”

“I was such a dreamer”

While she spoke, I gazed in pure awe. I was completely distracted by her beauty, but surprisingly I paid perfect attention to everything she said, it was like she was telling me the stories of my teenage days. She was such a rich soul.

She continued…

“What ever happened to those days? how did we lose those? Is this what's left of life now, do we ever get those days back? Does it ever get better, or is downhill from here on?” — She asked.

“I don’t think so, life just takes and takes until we have nothing left to give it. And that's where its becomes our fault, because we keep giving it. “

“If we keep giving, life will do what it does best, it’ll take. We just gotta draw the line, and keep that which is important to us. Its true we have to make sacrifices, but we have a choice of what we offer.”

“Keep what makes you happy, you can keep those feelings and never give it up” — I concluded..

“But how, responsibilities have got us as hostages, there’s no way out” — she said.

“But there is, take me for instance. I take a day or two of every month to do this. But this isn’t just a road trip. I’m tripping a little myself” — I said and chuckled a little bit

“I can see that” — she said and chuckled as well.

“Oh you do, when you’re high, things tend to become more beautiful, and then I ride the bus and stare out the window, looking at all these people and their lives. A lot of them live hard lives, but what I see is no different from the ant colony”

“Us humans believe ourselves to be more advanced, but in a lot of ways, we are an ant colony. Out there you can see the workers, doing the same thing they do everyday, working.”

“Over there with the guns are the soldier ants, keeping everyone in line and funneling all the foods. And in the high rise buildings with large offices and pent houses are the queens, getting fat off the labor of everyone else down here.”

“ To a lot of people, this is a nightmare, but the beauty is in nature. Nature always repeats itself. At least in my mind she does”.

She looked at me with a smile, I could tell she was truly impressed..
We talked and talked, we had so much in common, she was like a female double of me. It was love at first sight.

She believes in the existence of aliens and other worldly beings, she seemed a little too sure about it. She had a very unique idea about afterlife too, none that I had ever heard about, and she spoke with some sort of authority on the subject.

We got off the bus together, I didn’t even ask what our destination was, I didn’t care, I just didn’t want the day to end.

We walked holding hands and smiling, her head was on my shoulder countless times, it was like we were the only two people in the world, we were completely care free.

The sky went dark, it was night time, I was afraid to let go.
“This is my place” — she said “Wanna come in?”
We had come upon the stairs of a nice, I looked up at the apartment window and nodded yes.
The night continued, It was full moonlight, although I couldn’t remember if it was near full moon last night. I never miss these things.

I didn’t have the time to think it through, I simply didn’t care, it was a beautiful night and everything seemed like pleasant dream.

We stood out in the balcony, trying to catch the gaze of the few star that shunned amidst the bright grey moon. She offered me coffee, decaf.

From her back pocket she pulled out two rolled up doobie, she definitely listened, but when did she have the time to roll them, again I didn’t care, I just went with the flow.

We lit up the joint, smoked quietly while starring at each other like we didn’t want to ruin the moment with words, we’ve had enough of those.
Halfway through the blunts, she leaned over to kiss me and that was perhaps the last conscious thought I had.

Her lips was sweet and her skin was soft. We made love, it felt like it was my first time all over again, but this was better. We connected, intertwined like our souls meshed.

I felt like I lived forever in a minute. It was the best thing I had ever done.
And so we did it again, and then again. Each time was better than the last.

We slept…

When I woke up the next morning, the ceiling looked strange, this is looks like my ceilings I thought, wait a minute, those are my curtains. What is happening, how did I get into my bedroom.

I scrolled my phone contact to call her and ask high we got last night and when I left for my place, but her number wasn’t there, there was no Alice on my phone.

I quickly rushed out, took a cab to her place, but the house didn’t exist, I was starring at a hospital. I felt I was losing my mind. Nothing made sense anymore.

We viewed each other’s facebook pages last night, so I searched for her, but she wasn’t there, google couldn’t help either.

Last night was definitely not a dream. I was losing my mind for certain.
Maybe my whole life has been a dream. I think reality is lost to me…

To be continued…